muppinstuff

mummy, can you tell me the story about your baby that died again?

Last Monday was sad day. I was wary of it because although I'm not sad that much any more, it has come upon me in unexpected ways in previous years. As a sharp jab, or a bitter fragment of grief, perhaps of sadness remembered and sorrow about the family that might have been. But this year played out differently, in another totally unexpected way.   

The Wednesday before sad day was a really, really happy day, our friend and neighbour gave birth to a gorgeous little girl and I managed to get home early so we could make a quick visit as a family to greet the new arrival - on her birthday as it was. It was great, so happy and joyful. I got to cuddle Bronte and take in some of that precious new baby spirit. Anyway, on the way home Grace asked if we could have a new baby too. She's asked before and we always tell her that I'm too old now (which is true) and that we're happy with our little family as it is. But this time, I had this thought, I really need to tell her that she had a brother, that there was another baby before her. Not because it will make her feel better about being an only child but because it is part of her family story and besides, little Frank's name is on her birth certificate. So after Grace was in bed Gerard and I had a little chat.

So, on Monday night, which was sad day but as it happened had been mostly quite a good day, we were sitting on Grace's bed and I told her the story of our other baby. I started by telling her that mummy has been a bit sad today because she has been remembering that eight years ago she had a baby boy, your brother, but he was born too early and he died. And everyone was very sad. Grace asked questions, how big was he? Very little, I answered and held out my hands to show how little a baby born at just over twenty weeks is. And why did he die? she asked. I find the true answer to that question to be a complicated and very morally difficult story and I think we're a long way from talking about that with her so I said, he was too little to keep living. And he lived for a little while after he was born and then he died. And everyone was very sad. She took that in for a while and then she said, then you had me and I was alive and then you were very happy! To which I replied, oh yes! and we had a big, big cuddle.

It feels right that we should have told her now. She's at a stage where she hovers between empathy for others (comforting me in my sadness) and it being all about her (being excited that she can be the happy ending to the story - she's five, she pretty much demands a happy ending ). A couple of nights later she asked me to tell her the story of your baby that died again and asked pretty much all the same questions. Ending up with her being born alive and everyone being happy. Which is true. We are pretty happy most of the time. 

* * * * * * *

On a side note, this time last year the quince was in blossom. Not so this year. Maybe I pruned it too late and too harshly.

quick school holiday wrap up

I know school has been back for nearly a week now, but this seems to be the first time I've a little patch of time to sit down and record something. And I'm in a hurry because it's "down load night" - the night when G goes wild and crazy and downloads as much music as possible, maxing out our broadband usage before it's reset overnight. We started this strategy after the week we ended up on dial up speed. How did we ever manage before broadband?

Anyway the holidays. Grace seemed to have a lovely time. Three days at Nana's eating biscuits in front of the telly and having picnics in the park. A day with me going on the bus to the pool. The next day involved a playdate at our house with a friend from school and her mum - and I even tidied up a bit. The day after, another excursion by bus to Norfland to see Toy Story 3 which I loved more than I could have imagined. Grace was pretty impressed too. Then we had a day off and then I had to go to work. Thinking well ahead, I had booked a flex day and so had an extra day off last week. So we went to the museum with a friend from school and her mum. Next time we'll go early enough to get a park in the car park. It was chaotic but fun. For some reason I liked the rain forest bit the best this time. There was rubbish in it, which made it look very authentic in a sad way, but it smelt nice all the same. I did have a disturbing thought about the rain forest exhibit in the museum being the most nature we saw all week but then someone needed to go to the toilet and my thoughts moved on. 

I can't remember the rest of the holidays after that but we did do some craft and built a hotel for dogs out of sticky tape and cardboard boxes. A huge success. And the hotel for dogs was carted to school for show and tell this morning. There was some playing in the park and stuff like that too. G has started playing a lot of board games with Grace - so there have been snakes and ladders, ludo and draughts on the go. Oh yeah, and a fair bit of telly watching. Including a couple of occasions where we let her watch as much as she liked. It's a relief to see that Grace is well able to turn it off herself.

Me, I found it very intense. Much of the time I wasn't working, G was and so in between washing my socks and the usual business of living, I made an effort to do fun school holiday things with Grace. I'm glad we did because it was fun - but definitely two weeks of it was enough. We'll need a less frenetic approach to the long holidays I think. Anyway, it was fun to see all the kids at assembly this morning, they all seem to have their bounce back. 

birthday party debrief

Well, that was massive. Most of the kids we thought were coming came, along with a few blow ins who were in the park at the same time and who just joined in. Which was totally fine, because despite my fear of undercatering, there was plenty. For food we had big fruit platters, a big bowl of kettle chips, lots of  cold cheese paztizzis cut in half and fairy bread - the only item I could have done more of. Drinks were very dilute cordial with some extra food colouring - it looked great but tasted disgusting and one boy was heard asking another if the blue was any better than the red. The answer, they're all tewwible. Oh well, we'll do better next time.

After the first lot of food, we had some games - statues and musical shenigans that ended up with me leading a crazy conga line and doing the hokey pokey. Then they ran around and played in the playground.Some of the kids lost their fairy dresses and went around in underpants (at another party not so long ago they all got naked and went paddling in the creek - I wonder how long before they're all too grown up to consider such a thing). Meanwhile I snuck home to get the cake.* It was very heavy, but instant wow effect. Kids called to each other, it's the cake, it's the cake and gathered around. We cleared the table and put out the cake and two platters of cupcakes and cheesecake slice. Lit the candles and sung happy birthday - Grace looked very happy indeed! Cake was served and then we it was time for the pinata which Gerard made. Despite taking some bashing (towards the end I gave it a couple of good whacks I gave it a couple of good whacks with the cricket bat myself) it was a big hit and the kids went crazy when it burst and lollipops and pirate money burst out .But that wasn't the end, there was a treasure hunt too! For the lolly bags. Gerard had hidden clues around the park and the kids swarmed in around in a pack looking for them - it took a while before they got the idea but it was a tremendous way for them to run off some of the sugar crazy.

And then that was it, for another year. 

* I totally loved making this cake and can't wait to make another. Grace loved it too and carried the fairy barbie around the supermarket. She has continued to love her ever since she came out of the cake. I always thought I would be totally against barbie dolls, but I'm starting to feel that not making a fuss one way or the other might be the way to go (and I'm quite happy for her to cut their hair off or otherwise transform them). It was also the first time I have used butter cream icing. Much better for decorated cakes. All these things I thought I'd never do - barbies, cake bling, buttercream. What can I say?

five

Grace turned five this week and as usual, I've been sentimental about her birth and her tiny babyness. Goodness, it seems so long ago, and yet not at all. Concurrently. On the whole*, I'm really enjoying Grace at five. The conversations, the drawing, the enthusiasm for going to school and learning to read. The making things out of sticker tape and cardboard boxes, the big post office constructed from boxes and buckets and other pits and pieces found in the backyard. The way she and one of her friends spent an afternoon putting every single toy to bed somewhere in her room. The toy picnics and outings. It makes me reluctant to clean up her room for weeks on end, because who knows what story I would be breaking**... 

And she still loves to give her old mum a big cuddle and hold hands. Isn't that the best? And she loves it when I go to school to be a parent helper. Although we did have a conversation the other day about what embarrassing means. Grace said it was when you were rude and your underpants showed when you didn't want them to. I do hope it's a while before I become embarrassing. 

So anyway, we are having a big party in the park tomorrow. Grace decided that she wanted to invite the whole class (like another kid did) so we said as long as it was afternoon tea in the park, that was OK. And despite there being two other parties on the same day, a surprising number of kids are coming. And thankfully the park is full of space for burning off all that sugar craziness. Hopefully the cake will be big enough!

Happy birthday Grace!!

* Not to say that I haven't enjoyed other ages, of course I have, but five is really fun. Oh, and not to say that there aren't still fights and tantys and being told that you're a mean mum and you've ruined my whole day hnnmmphh etc... Still, the good far outweighs the bad. 

**Although it does get to a point where even Grace thinks it's a good idea if we clean her room and start again. Last time she told me that I did such a great job mummy. Not always the case!

big first day at school

On Sunday I cleaned Grace's room to a degree of unusual orderliness and quizzed her on all manner of things - could she open her lunch box? what would she do if she wanted to go to the toilet and it wasn't playtime or lunchtime? how would she be brave of the noisy thing (aka the hand dryer, a major issue for a year or so)? what did she want for lunch? We even went shopping together and bought a lunch bag and some little freezer packs. Everything was laid on the table and labelled with a laundry marker or sharpie pen. We were ready as we were going to be. And Grace was super excited. I set my alarm. Just in case. But Grace and Gerard were up at 6.30 am anyway, ready to get ready. I had thought we were going to be really stupidly early, but we were just in time. The school crossing supervisor took extra care to explain the rules as each group of preps crossed the road and some of the grade six girls stood inside the fence exclaiming how cute the preps were. Grace walked along the last bit of the path to school holding hands with some of her friends. Her buddy pounced on her and gave her a big hug. Amongst the melee of parents and cameras, I got one serious "for nana" shot. The rest was pretty much a blur.

Inside we found Grace's hook for her bag and placed her lunch in the box provided. The class room was even more chaotic and for a moment I thought Grace would lose it. She stayed close and sat on my knee with her arms around my neck for a moment but then happily went off to play with the toy cars and loop de loop track. They're not silly, these prep teachers - lots of interesting playthings already set up. I felt all teary, well actually I did get a bit wet around the eyes, but I wasn't the only one. Lucky I had a champagne brunch with some other mums and dads (G went home to work on the shed extension) to go to. It was a good debrief and then I had some pamphlets for a community event to deliver and before I knew it, there were only two hours left until pick up time. Even so, I wanted to be a fly on the wall all day. To see how they were going, to know that she was OK. Apparently one of the last parents to leave peeked in the window and saw the kids sitting on the mat, happily listening to a story. 

When I arrived to pick Grace up, everyone was happy and excited. It had been a good day. Not that I could find out any details because if I asked Grace about her day at school, she said it was good and that she learned to use the noisy thing. So we went through the orange state government show bag they were all issued and checked out the propaganda while eating trashy fruit juice icy poles. A little while later she fell asleep on the couch in her fairy dress and woke up all rumpled and ready to give it another go tomorrow.

Four

Grace is four now. Wow, that blows me away. Her birthdays so far have induced in us this nostaligia for her tiny babyhood and all the other little stages up until now. While at the same time being pleased that she's growing up. It's funny to think of the tiny baby we tentatively drove home from the hospital as our lanky little chatterbox with a funny sense of humour, love of books, toy animals and dolls, 1930s cartoons and Madeleine, who really likes going visiting and holding hands. She seems so different from tiny baby Grace and yet totally the same person. Funny that.

Anyway, the party. Grace was very excited about having a birthday party this year and inviting her friends. We've been spending all summer hanging out in the park and going to the pool and visiting, so she knows a few kids around here now. At first we were worried about having the party on her actual birthday which was over Easter but as it turned out, most of the kids she wanted to invite were around.

Both photos by Magda

We cleaned up the yard, sorted out her play area, did a few things around the house and then it was upon us. I stayed up late the night before icing thecat cake and making lolly bags. Enjoying a sort of motherhood mania. In the morning after breakfast and presents (book and toy unicorn made by Sandra from me, dvds and toy cars from daddy - all loved and played with) we raced around trying to get everything ready. Note to self : : next time I have a party that starts at 10.30am, I am not going to have any food prep to do in the morning.  People came and bought presents, some with handrawn cards. The sun shone brightly. Nothing went quite as I planned and the kids found the easter eggs before the actual easter egg hunt was organised. Lunch was not as orderly as I imagined either. Nonetheless, it was heaps of fun. There was impromtu singalong music, games of statues and lots of playing in the playhouse and on the banging tree. Grown ups chatted, hula hooped, drank champagne (except for me - I didn't even think of it) and ate lunch. Afterwards we bought the cake out, lit the candles and sung happy birthday and Grace was rapt. She was sitting with her little friends and just so excited. It was all so heartfelt. Sigh, I felt really good too. 

Despite the small portions of cake, lots of sugar induced craziness and running around ensued. Then the lollybags came out and there was lollipop and sticker craziness. Soon after that everyone went home and Grace curled up on her bedroom floor saying that she didn't want a nap. Ten minutes later, she changed her mind and we tucked her in for a proper sleep and Gerard and I set to cleaning. The party was mostly outside but the house looked like a tornado had been through it. Finally it was done and Grace woke up and played with her toys and watched a bit of telly, lucklily the telly ban ended just before her birthday. Later we had leftovers for dinner. I'm four now, she said. 

Special thanks to Magda who bought her camera and took lots of lovely photos which she sent me that night and said I could use. If you check out my flickr set for the day, you'll see that most of the good ones have photo by Magda on them. Except the ones of Magda. Obviously. But seriously, what a beautiful gift for a mum. Because I was far to scattered to even set the iso properly. So thanks again Magda.

My holidays begin now

What a lovely feeling to walk out of work at fourteen minutes past five today knowing that I'm on holiday for the next five weeks. I haven't got all that much planned except for time at home, maybe painting the front windows and mulching the front yard, some serious winter wardrobe re-invigoration, hanging out with the girl and the man, just being in my 'hood and perhaps a very short camping trip. Oh, and a craft weekend! And some website work. But aside from that. Nothing much. Oh the joy!

Most of Easter was spent gardening and tidying up the backyard in preparation for Grace's 4th birthday party, which I'll post about properly when I've finished messing with the million and one photos. It was all so lovely and exciting. I can hardly believe that I'm now the mother of a four year old. How did that happen so quickly? 

it was such a beautiful day

Last Saturday Mum and I took Grace to the zoo.She's been wanting to go for ages, to see the animals and find them with the map. But the last time we went, Grace was in that half nappy, half toileting stage and it was painful. She could go to the toilet, but she often wouldn't. Especially away from home. Or when there were other things she would rather do. And it was driving me nuts. And no matter how much I knew that Grace could well come to this late and it would just click (this happened with walking, she didn't walk until 18 months) or how people would say, oh but they all do it in their own time, I just did not want her to turn four and still be using nappies. Too ookie, for her and for me. 

So, I cracked the shits (oh ha de ha ha) and went with a method I read in a blog or heard at a craft weekend (sorry, but I've forgotten where or from whom). I bought a big container of marbles and found a glass jar, not too big, not to small. Then Grace and I had a chat (the final in a long line of such chats) and I explained that I wanted her to do her poos and wees in the toilet and that her not being able to do this made it difficult for us to do fun things like go to the zoo. Then I told her that every time she did a wee in the toilet, she could put onemarble in the jar and that a poo in the toilet would get three. But if she did poos in her pants she would have to take three out, and in a nappy two out etc. And that when the jar was full, mummy would know that she was good at doing poos and wees in the toilet and we would go to the zoo.

The first day, there was a little resistance. Then on the second day, we made sure that we reminded her to go at various points during the day and there were heaps of marbles in the jar. From then on the thing just sky rocketed and was wildly successful. There has not been one poopy incident and only a few wee ones since. On the second evening we forgot about the night nappy and have left it off since. Apparently at childcare she was comforting one of the younger kids who'd had an accident saying, sometimes kids do pooeys in their undies...  Grace has also learnt how to use toilets at other peoples houses and in public places and can be just a little obsessive about it. Which is fine (although apparently she ran screaming from the talking robo toilet at the big park). I am just so pleased and so is Grace. It's given her a real sense of being a big kid.

We talked about going to the zoo for the whole week before going and Grace told a number of people that she was going to the zoo because she filled up her jar with marble, one for wees, three for poos. For the big day of celebration, I made weetbix slice and ham sandwiches and we left nice and early. It was one of those glorious warm autumn days and we saw heaps of animals including some baby monkeys and the pregnant elephants, checked the map frequently and had chips for morning tea. There was a ride on the merry go round while Nana popped out for a smoke (no more smoking at the zoo) and lastly a stripey icy pole. By the end of it, we were all pretty tired and ready for a nap. Except that someone had left the parking lights on (probably me - although there is a little girl who likes to pretend drive given half a chance) and we had to wait for the RACV. The little girl said that she was very sleepy and once we found blanket, she was out like a light. 

Now we just have to figure out what to do with the marbles. I suggested to Gerard that Grace could like, play with them and he rightly said, and yeah, we'll end up falling on the floor. Maybe they can be window ornaments for a while. But yes, I am so, so pleased. Finally.

excited mummy moment

Last week at playgroup, I sat down at the table where Grace was drawing a circle with the textas and asked her what it was going to be. I expected scary monsters, but she said, it's me, this is my head and this is my hair and it's black. I watched quietly, holding myself in (feeling this weird almost teary sort of proud, privileged moment that I might have missed seeing, this is really new and fabulous, sort of emotion) and being very excited. The playgroup teacher came over and asked Grace about her picture and Grace took us through all the components, body, eyes, ears, mouth nose, fingers, toes, legs and hair. Then she wrote her name on the side. It looks like a scribble, but there's a good attempt at a G and definitely a concept of what writing is. Now I'm not at all interested in teaching Grace to draw or write at this stage but it's thrilling seeing her come out with these things. Very sudden and most exciting.

  

 

I'm glad I took a photo of the picture later, because Grace kept taking it off the fridge and back into her room. It was being carted around the house for a while but then when I wanted to show Nana after lunch today, it was nowhere to be seen. Lucky I have my camera and the internet! 

Once again I am behind in my blogging and photos, but I expect it to become even more sporadic as moving day draws closer. Gulp. So much to do. And a website I'm building for another project to complete. Have just realised how much I love typepad after wrestling with blogger for over a week. I knew I'd have a bit of a learning curve with a new platform and some ambitious ideas but I never realised how good the typepad help is and how much I appreciate the last resort of the help ticket system (the one where a live person corresponds with you until your issue is resolved) as a opposed to a google group. Oh well, I guess that's what one pays for. And blogger does have other advantages. Like being able to use downloaded skins and customise the css without paying a premium. But why doesn't it have pages? This malarkey of having to set up a different blog or use a post as a de-facto page has evil whiskers on it. Never mind, at least if the Australian dollar sinks to such a level that typepad becomes unfeasible then I'll know a fair bit about blogger. And it is better for team blogs. There, whinge ended. Now must do some more tweaking before the energetic whirlwind that is Grace at 3 and a half arises from her nap.

I'm your best friend

Not the Sunday just gone, but the Sunday before that, Grace and I had a special trip to the zoo. Just Grace and mummy. Sunday has become one of the days we spend at home together while Gerard works on the house. So he can take the car early, I've taken to doing the shopping on Saturday night which is so not my idea of fun. The combination of staff with lacksadaiscal attitudes (obviously the staff with aspirations do not work on a Saturday night), badly stocked shelves, louts in the carpark and interesting young things buying liquor on their way to fabulous parties reminds me that the best I can hope for most Saturday nights these days is to be at home watching teev with my significant other. /end whinge. Anyway, the big, big plus of this new routine is that Grace and I have full morning to do something fun. Usually we just go to the park, but the evening before we were talking about which park, and she said she'd like to go to the zoo again, to see the animals, on the tram.

You'd have to walk all the way, I said. Mummy can't carry you. And she did. Even learnt how to get on and off the tram which she finds scary, because of the big steps. Note to self, always use the steps next to the driver, because they can't see little people and tried to close the door while I was helping her down. Once we got to the zoo, we took a map, which she consulted throughout the day, and decided which animals to visit. It's always the elephants and the primates. Although we did see rather a spectacular lion on the way. And stroke a tiger pelt.

Afterwards we went to play in the park again and the roundabout was going. I'd promised her a ride earlier in the day and Grace was so excited and entranced by the whole thing. Quite a moment really. Although I did think it was odd that the roundabout rotated to "love is in the air" rather than hurdy gurdy music. She cracked it a bit when I wouldn't let her have a second ride but then we had sandwiches for lunch followed by a cupcake for me and green jelly for Grace. Which we shared very nicely. And then she looked at me and said, I'm your best friend. Aww. I had to write it down, because it just thrilled me. In the best possible way. I'm used to getting lots of cuddles and I love you, mummys but this was different. It was all about doing things together and it being really good. Later that week Grace told Gerard that Daddy does all the work, Grace does all the playing and that Mummy and Nana do all the talking. Indeed. The world according to Grace.